How the election result went down in Berlin

Melancholicus is not normally given to much of an interest in American politics, but now that he lives in the U.S. he may as well bestir himself from his customary apathy and pass the occasional comment.

As most will know by now, the late Edward Kennedy’s seat in the Senate has gone to the Republican Scott Brown instead of the favourite, Democrat Martha Coakley.

Here’s how Herr Hitler took the news of the Democrats’ defeat. This is just too funny.



H/T to the St. Louis Catholic.

Striking suicide bombers

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth.”

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. “Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins,” complains Amir. “And you can be sure they’ll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?”

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

“We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. “How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can’t compete with the private sector?” asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Swine flu: what not to do

Do not, gentle reader, neglect to enjoy this parody of Sky News’ coverage of the swine flu pandemic on The Emergency at Newstalk 106.

Target practice

Although this is hardly news (Smasher and Fr. Finigan, among others, have drawn attention to it already), Melancholicus is interested to note that the Irish Catholic bishops’ conference has launched its own website.

For reasons it would be tedious to enter into here, Melancholicus disapproves on principle of such things as national bishops’ conferences, regarding them as cancerous outgrowths inspired by the revolution of Vatican II and engineered so as to impose the policies thereof. If he is to be consistent, he must also disapprove of websites representing such bodies. Nevertheless, he will be visiting the bishops’ conference website often, not because he has much faith in the leadership of these our fathers in God or hopes to find therein nourishment for his soul, but because in placing themselves thus so openly on the web, the bishops have exposed themselves to be shot at. And the temptation to engage in a little episcopal skeet is just too much to resist.

[loads shotgun]

As today is the first day of a new month, a time for fresh beginnings and new inspirations, Melancholicus feels a little idea coming on:



Announcement for all interested parties!!!

The 2008 bishop-hunting season begins today and will close with the Benedicamus Domino of None on the Saturday before the First Sunday of Advent (that’s 29 November this year).

Targets permitted in this season’s shoot:

All bishops as well as archbishops within the jurisdiction of the Irish bishops’ conference are fair game, including those retired on or before the commencement of the season. Deceased bishops are off limits, as is the apostolic legate. Promotion to the sacred college either before or during the course of the season does not confer any special protected status, hence cardinals may be hunted as keenly as the lowliest auxiliary. Monsignori and parish priests, although not bishops, may also be hunted throughout the season, although these are less prestigious prizes whose scoring value is much lower. Also considered fair game are lesser clergy and members of religious orders and institutes of either sex. Laypersons in the employ of dioceses, parishes or religious orders may also be hunted, though the point-scoring value of these last is so low as to be hardly worth the effort.

[disengages safety]

Scoring is as follows:

• The Primate of All Ireland: 10,000 pts


• Other archbishops: 8,000 pts each


• Diocesan bishops: 5,000 pts each


• Auxiliary bishops in Metropolitan Sees: 3,000 pts each


• Auxiliary bishops in other Sees: 2,000 pts each


• Titular bishops: 1,500 pts


• Retired cardinals: 1,500 pts each


• Retired archbishops: 1,200 pts each


• Retired diocesan bishops: 1,000 pts each


• Other retired bishops: 800 pts each


• Monsignori not in episcopal orders: 500 pts each


• Parish priests: 300 pts each


• All other active clergy: 150 pts each


• Male and female religious: 100 pts to 500 pts each (variable according to status and celebrity)


• Lay employees of the conciliar bureaucracy: 5 pts each

Scoring is cumulative. Individual targets may be bagged as often as you like, according as they make more or fewer gaffes over the next two months.

[takes aim through telescopic sight; sees purple biretta—or should that be, sees grey tab shirt?]

The season is open to all. Happy hunting!

Caption contest

With thanks to Jihad Watch, Reuters and Michelle Malkin.

To err is human

... but to totally muck things up requires a computer.

Among those things that most easily induce an apoplectic rage in Melancholicus’ soul there is at least one that competes with the sacrilegious antics of the conciliar church, and that is the lousy performance of PCs and their even lousier (Microsoft) software.

Hence Melancholicus really appreciated this little gem, which is more redolent of an urban myth than of an authentic exchange between the companies concerned—google some of the phrases listed and the reader will find that although Microsoft is always the computer villain, the same joke crops up with General Motors replaced by Toyota or Fiat or some other auto manufacturer. But it is amusing nonetheless:

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to these comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.


3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.


4. When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.


5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car XP’ or ‘Car Vista’, and then added more seats.


6. Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.


7. Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘This car has performed an illegal operation and will shut down’ warning light.


8. The airbag would say ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.


9. Occasionally and for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.


10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.


11. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.


12. You would press the ‘start’ button to shut off the engine.


13. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Overheard on BBC Radio 4

Did Melancholicus hear this correctly?

Tony Blair, the ultimate cafeteria Catholic and former prime minister of the UK, is currently in Jerusalem, ’mediating’ between the Israelis and the Palestinians, or at least trying to.

While listening to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 this morning, Melancholicus was sure he heard the presenter say that Mr. Blair was trying to organise the Palestinians into “a viable nuclear state”.

Yes, yes, we know what he really meant, but what an unfortunate choice of words! With a vest like that, the Palestinians could give the world the mother of all suicide bombers.

Surely Melancholicus must have misheard.

No?

Mecca, the true centre of the world

Thanks to LP, a commentator on the MCJ:

April 30, 2008
Riyadh, Saudia Arabia
Reuters

In a freak global shift which has scientists around the world baffled, the Earth’s magnetic field has moved dramatically, causing the northern magentic pole to line up exactly on the longitude of the Saudi Arabian city of Mecca.

“This is a sign from Allah!” exclaimed cleric al-Waqarawy, a proponent of the “Ijaz al-Koran” movement which strives to find modern science presaged in the Koran. “Even more so as it comes upon the heels of last week’s Mecca conference in Qatar!”

Cambridge geologist Dr. Cecil Wilberforce disagreed. “The earth’s magnetic north regularly migrates” he intoned. “While we are still uncertain what caused this unexpectedly radical shift this week, it’s doubtlessly a purely natural phenomenon that has nothing whatsoever to do with religion or pseudo-science.”

But Iousseph al-Riidyah, leader of the militant “academic jihad” movement based at King Fahd University in Dharahn, had a different explanation. “There is no mystery!” he exclaimed. “We sent a thousand glorious martyrs -- graduate students, of course -- in suicide vests into Canada to drive the magentic pole from its infidel and westernized false location. They forced it, by their noble sacrifices, to flee the ground of their martyrs’ blood and return to its proper place, in the pure waters north of Alaska! Allah is great!”

Whatever the cause, the sudden magnetic changes have vastly disrupted the paths of many migratory birds. Literally hundreds of thousands are now flying in confused circles around parts of the country, with bee-eaters and red-throated pipits predominating, and many species of shore-line birds have unaccountably moved inland.

“Truly this is a glorious sign!” exulted Fadir al-Saamhdi, a Meccan street vendor, wiping guano off his face as countless birds circled in raucous confusion overhead. Looking upward -- an ill-advised move, as he quickly discovered -- he added “Now the whole world shall see that Allah truly l.. ack! pfffpht! ugh! Blech!”

Imams from throughout the region have issued injunctions to the world’s Muslims to come to Mecca and help keep the sacred black meteorite, the Kaaba, and other holy places clean during this avian invasion, and it is rumored that several of the religions more extreme leaders are considering issuing a fatwah calling for the destruction of the birds, given their obviously infidel intention to desecrate the religion's most sacred sites.

But most geologists -- even though unsure of what has caused this dramatic change -- think the Muslim community need not worry too much, as computer models universally predict that the pole’s new position will eventually settle down about 5 degrees further west, lining itself up precisely around the globe from Jerusalem.

In an ideal world...

Since the followers of the Islamic ideology are consistently animated by their religion with a murderous rage, many folks both east and west have argued that Islam needs a reformation in order to tame it and render it less of a threat to the rest of the world.

Melancholicus disagrees. Islam doesn’t need a reformation.

It needs a Vatican II.

Yes, the equivalent of a Vatican II in the Islamic world would transform all those hot-headed, murderous fanatics into geldings and wilting wallflowers, or cause them to lose so much interest in their religion that they would instead give themselves willingly to beer-drinking, football and chasing girls, or for the more politically inclined, to liberal causes like crusading (sorry!) against global warming.

Harmless pursuits for the most part to be sure, and much more salvific than anything Islam has to offer.

Busted!

Melancholicus is Thought Criminal #1451574.

A little risque in places, but well worth a visit, especially their section on Islam.

Enjoy!

The baby boomer death clock

Some readers may consider this curiosity to be in rather poor taste, but Melancholicus had a good hearty laugh at it in any case.

He found it courtesy of Traditio in Radice, which in the past while has been resurrected.

The good fellows over at TiR also quoted this most apposite verse from sacred scripture (Numbers 14:33), which has since become one of Melancholicus’ favourites:

“Your children shall wander in the desert forty years, and shall bear your fornication, until the carcasses of their fathers be consumed in the desert”.

And have we not indeed been wandering in the desert forty years, since the wretched ’sixties, and Vatican II?

Let us look for a moment at the legacy of the baby boomers. This is best seen in their children — the confused, self-absorbed and navel-gazing Generation X. Gen X has a high rate of nihilism, apathy, drug and alcohol problems, anxiety, depression and other mental disorders, a fondness for angry, depressive and discordant music, and of course a sky-high rate of suicide. Think of Kurt Cobain (born 1967), or Beck (born 1970), who in 1994 sang that immortal lyric Soy un perdedor / I’m a loser baby / so why don’t you kill me, or basically anything by The Smashing Pumpkins. The existential situation of Generation X, or at least the stereotype thereof, is truly pathetic. However, one must not be surprised that we (for Melancholicus, born in 1972, is himself a Gen X’er) have turned out this way, for Generation X has had to wander in the desert bearing the fornications and whoredoms of our baby boomer parents, and the hand of the LORD is heavy upon us. After all, the sacred liturgy was mutilated on the boomers’ watch, and they failed to do anything about it, preferring instead to bequeath to their children a wilderness of clown masses, guitar masses, liturgical dancing and other puerilities, and a Catholic faith so emptied of its credal and dogmatic content that it can hardly be called a religion any more. The boomers’ watch also saw the introduction of no-fault divorce, abortion, the rise of the so-called “gay rights” which have led to the normalisation of sodomy, and now that they are reaching their senectude and are safely ensconced in governments all over the world, the boomers themselves are legislating in favour of euthanasia, embryo research, homosexual ‘marriage’ and numberless other aberrations. Even while they continue to hammer violently down on the nails in the coffin of western civilisation, they lack the spine to do anything about the Mohammedan threat, which in Melancholicus’ view at least, is the gravest peril to face the free world since the Third Reich.

Alas, we must wait until the last members of that accursed generation have been lowered into the ground before a true restoration, unimpeded by the inverted ideology of the world of the ’sixties, can finally begin.

As a definitive and final judgement on the legacy of the baby boomers, Melancholicus is reminded of a line of a song routinely hummed by a character in the WWII novels of Sven Hassel whenever battle was about to be joined:

Come now death, come!

What's your theological worldview?

Melancholicus saw this quiz thingy over at the Bovina Bloviator, whereat he failed to resist the impulse to try it out himself. And here’s the result:

Oh, what the heck. Here's the picture after all.

What’s your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Roman Catholic You are Roman Catholic. Church tradition and ecclesial authority are hugely important, and the most important part of worship for you is Mass. As the Mother of God, Mary is important in your theology, and as the communion of saints includes the living and the dead, you can also ask the saints to intercede for you. Roman Catholic 93% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 82% Neo orthodox 79% Fundamentalist 54% Classical Liberal 39% Emergent/Postmodern 36% Charismatic/Pentecostal 36% Reformed Evangelical 32% Modern Liberal 7%

And now for the post-match analysis. Melancholicus scored rather surprisingly in some areas. 93% Roman Catholic. 93%? Only 93%?? The Bloviator—a recent convert—scored 100% in this area, and Melancholicus is abashed. What, as his father would ask, happened to the other 7%? Melancholicus is afraid that the missing 7% must perforce belong to his inner heretic. And ah, there it is, right down at the bottom of the table — modern liberal, 7%. They don’t come much more heretical than that. Surely this must be a mistake! There must have been some slip of the mouse, for pity’s sake! Melancholicus must have been distracted while clicking the answers and hit the wrong one by accident, surely! Ah, mea maxima culpa! Extra penance is clearly required, as well as another reading of Pascendi.

Melancholicus asks his readers henceforth to exercise an inquisitorial watch over the content of posts on Infelix Ego. He asks them to keep a zealous eye open to make sure that the 7% modern liberal neither exerts itself, nor attempts to increase its percentage. Likely things to look out for would be a sudden admiration for the BBC, or a passing admission that Melancholicus has been too hard in places on the socialists, or the Mohammedans. Or surreptitious hints that he thinks multiculturalism and diversity might actually be good for society. Or the sudden appearance of a desire to go and live in Canada.

Melancholicus would really like to tag Cranmer with this theological quiz, but he doubts that he is important enough to merit his Grace’s attention, and in any case his Grace probably wouldn’t condescend to participate in such foolishness.

So he won’t.

Book of the year, 2008

Given the churlish and unco-operative manner in which Summorum Pontificum has been received by so many bishops the world over, the Curt Jester has most helpfully provided this simple manual in order to clarify matters for the bishops.



Read it all.

Intra in gaudium dominae tuae...

Melancholicus has never before laughed so hard in front of a computer screen.

Check out this hilarious parody of feminist fruit-and-nuttery. Bravo sisters! (if you don’t mind being addressed as such by a mere male).

A man's needs

A man’s needs never really change.

When I was young, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

So I found a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.

I decided I needed a passionate girl. So I found a passionate girl, but she was too emotional, everything was an issue and she cried all the time.

Then I decided I needed a stable girl. So I found a stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.

Then I decided I needed an exciting girl. So I found such a girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She kept rushing from one thing to the next, and never settled on anything. She had no direction, and no ambition.

So I decided I needed an ambitious woman. I found an ambitious woman, and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I had.

Now all I want is a woman with big tits.

My peculiar aristocratic title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: The Right Reverend Melancholicus the Dejected of Wallop upon Deane Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Right Reverend? That’s a very bishoppy title, and Melancholicus definitely has no ambitions in that direction! It is also, moreover, the title given to bishops of the Church of England, no less. I guess that at least entitles us to a seat in the House of Lords.

The Pope and Hillary

Melancholicus thanks Chris Feeney for sending him this little chuckle by e-mail yesterday:

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

‘Her Majesty’ and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?”

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. “That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your supporters, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.”

So the Pope slapped her.

Church bulletins

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (or so it is claimed):

• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


• The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus’.


• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.


• Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a great chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.


• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.


• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.


• Ladies intending to become mothers should see the Pastor in his private office.


• Don’t let worry kill you off — let the Church help.


• Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again’, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy’.


• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.


• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.


• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm — prayer and medication to follow.


• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


• This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.


• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.


• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


• Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


• The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours’