Church bulletins

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (or so it is claimed):

• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


• The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus’.


• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.


• Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a great chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.


• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.


• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.


• Ladies intending to become mothers should see the Pastor in his private office.


• Don’t let worry kill you off — let the Church help.


• Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again’, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy’.


• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.


• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.


• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm — prayer and medication to follow.


• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


• This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.


• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.


• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


• Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


• The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours’